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28 October 2005 @ 12:32 am
myspace is getting crowded. i have a reputation to uphold there(sarcastic story telling... apparently my myspace blogging has a departmental following. who knew?) soo.... yeah. back to basics. i have all of this in my head and for one reason or another, having this all on paper in front of me is somehow more daunting and real than to have it "out there".... posted in the void.

cycles are silly. how are we ever going to get anywhere? i want to be more forward, with a clear trajectory. just call me linear lally.

in other news... the unhealthy things are getting unhealthier. im a silly, silly girl. why does seeing you still make me a little nervous? how did you ever get so good at putting me at ease and saying the right things? im getting less frustrated with you when you do dumb shit. that pattern has GOT to be put to rest. I caught myself feeling almost the same way I felt a year ago... about keeping track of and being accountable for someone. and look how that turned out. I want you to wake up tommorrow and to realize that you love me too.
Current Mood: PMSsy
Current Music: Nina Simone
26 June 2005 @ 02:36 am

If I were a Dead Russian Composer, I would be Igor Stravinsky.

Known as a true son of the new 20th Century, my music started out melodic and folky but slowly got more dissonant and bizzare as I aged. I am a traveler and a neat freak, and very much hated those rotten eggs thrown at me after the premiere of "The Rite of Spring."

Who would you be? Dead Russian Composer Personality Test

... which is soooo odd because my very first stab at the old "love is" generator told me that stravinsky is love. it is... as long as its not its later "i-wanna-be-like-schoenberg-now-that-hes-dead" stravinsky. no good. in memoriam dylan thomas? about my least favorite piece in the history of ever. serialism looks good on only a few people...

so the wedding i played at? made me realize once again how much i really hate weddings. lets spend a ton of money on lies why dont we... so silly. if i dare ever do get married i want it to be to someone whom i will undoubtedly really spend the rest of my life with, and in a gutter or alley. the less perfect the wedding, the better the marriage? i dunno... i just learned that from a sex and the city episode. i wouldnt feel so funny about love and marriage maybe, if i wasnt given the perfect model of marriage. how can i ever find that? sometimes i feel guilty as all hell for NOT having found the love of my life earlier... or ever as it may turn out. isnt that silly?

tonight would have been alot cooler if i hadnt have been ditched. the after hours part scene? soooo tired and im so over it. unless you can get me to a party at 2 am with smart functional interesting people...dont fucking bother, seriously. I think the problem may be that i get super introspective and thoughtful when inebriated, which is ten fold more than i can say for my peers... poor wretches. seriously, fuck dumb people.
Current Mood: drunkdrunk
Current Music: rach prelude g min, for sentimental reasons :(
well fuck. i give it an hour. if he doesnt call in an hour it will be three nights in a row without talking. so silly. its not even that i have all that much to say. truth be told, i really dont. my class is ending, i can mostly(yah! thats right bitches, i didnt stall all day...and even peeled out. ok.. its rigoddamneddiculous that im so excited about this)drive my car... uh... other than that? i got nothin.

I was going to practice today... but got lost somewhere along the way. i watched this documentary on american universities and all the problems facing them... and then i realized why i GOT internet at my house in the first place and started looking around at some more schools. scary stuff

the divide between yawns wide. am i strong enough to do this? am i capable to let it all out with out letting the wave crest and evntually consume me?
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: nina simone
23 June 2005 @ 12:37 am

Mahler is Love
22 June 2005 @ 01:47 am
that hope you've harbored for nearly five years? yeah, thats the one im afraid its time to give up. i want to run away and detach from everyting that is familiar and bound to the past. i want to evolve at such a rate that i dont even recognize myself anymore. i dont want to feel anything. sometimes i do such a good job of not seeming so scarred and broken that it scares me. what if? there are so many what ifs still and its hard to imagine that if one little thing had happened differently, none of this would have happened.
why do i want to cling so tightly to you? now that you are going to be ok i want to get ahold of you and never let you go... which is wrong because its not your fault that im so afraid of everyone leaving. i want you to want me enough to follow me where i end up. i want to fulfill these ideals, but worry that im not strong or smart enough to go it alone.
im afraid of telling any of this to you. im afraid that these things i feel are politely ignored and we never talk about feelings because you are so afraid to hurt mine. why would someone be so close to a girl for five years if they werent willing to have those conversations? because im a great friend and he doesnt want to hurt me, thats why.
whats the worst that can happen? i could lose one of my oldest friends. if he felt the same, chances are, hed be here. and i cant for the life of me handle more rejection.
the old erin... that easily attatching boob that waits by her phone all hours of the day needs to flirt with extinction

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Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: gillian welch
20 June 2005 @ 12:22 am
its true. ive heard of them before, but heard the kronos quartet play an arrangement of the flying freer in portland in april. it made me cry, so naturally i must listen to them. way to make some sense... i actively seek out music that makes me super sad.

so today was not my best day in the goat. poor little goat stalled the shit out of broadway/van buren and i think i died ten times over in the process. hopefully you can teach a new goat owner new tricks. so scary. thatta way to keep myself from spending money and drinking too much, drive a car you can barely drive.

six months seems like such a long time. what the fuck have i been doing for half a year already? i need to stop thinking about all of this, goodnight.

ps where the hell is bob and what happened to our phone date

pps im fucking hungy
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: radiohead and sigor ros, of course
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so gooey
bah! internet in the comfort of my own home alas! i've stubbornly refused to update until a certain communications company, who shall remain nameless, got its act together. it only took 2 weeks and a dozen angry phone calls. just because i live in a tiny outrageously expensive studio apartment, doesnt mean that i too do not deserve the comforts of blogging in my pajamas, which is exactly what im doing. with a summer honey. oh big sky, can you not make my favorite summer beer in a lighter variety?

theres a weird little feeling in the pit of my stomach that my mail is fucked up and that i will continue to have no money. silly postal service and their antics. seriously. who doesnt get mail for 2 weeks??!!!??? and what if my moms letter doesnt come, what happens then?? argh!!! and what if i never learn how to drive my cute new car? what if i stall it in malfucntion?? what happens if i keep worrying and implode? yeesh. get a fucking grip erin.

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ah, thats better.

limewire is addicting. i feeling like i need to download ALL OF THE MUSIC IN THE WORLD.... and then go to jail. bad ideas. that what my life is up to this point, a long serious of really, really half baked plans and poor planning.

its amazing how just a short half hour on the phone can alter your mood and perception on your evening. i feel stuck and scared. i want to help, but is it really my job to make people see that its not their fault??? i need to make the trip to the hi-line, but at this point im more than a little hesitant. eh.
mostly i want to drink a bottle of wine, curl up in bed and forgot that any of this ever happened. it gets to a point where you cant miss someone anymore. theres no more hurt left to give. what do i do now nick?
Current Mood: blank and raining
Current Music: Bjork - Human Behaviour
the man im going to marry called again today. he left a message. in response to a message i had left him at al's and vic's mind you, some ninety-second tirade about the camper van beethoven show tomorrow night at the otherside *gag* and ending no doubt, with some kind of feeble "i love you, call me soon." or at least something vaguely resembling, im sure. the oddest thing is... he probably picked up on it. late night musings about a settled life and career for the first time in fucking ever, or actually, fucking ever, as it were. my own private cowboy seems to have finally lost his drive to keep moving, and other things have caused his gaze to settle on something other than ambiguity for a while.

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what if i never get a good job, at a respectable educational institution, in a desirable, adventure-condusive location? will you love me enough to let me wisk you away to far awaylands? like minot?

whatever though, if i dont do something proactive, starting fucking NOW, i may not ever get the chance to know the answer to those questions. FUCKING PRACTICE ERIN!!! and then go for a run, a hike, a swim, SOMETHING! its not enough to know that this isnt enough. *stepping out of motivational speaker costume* whoa there cowgirl, LJ is no place for that kinda talk.

thank you, goodnight
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thats right bitches, no talking!

i think my NAS professor had an acid flashback today. he started swatting about around his noggin. great stuff.

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we cant stop in this lecture hall, this is bat country. that was only today, wild stuff. how in the hell can one girl live four different lives in 24 hours?

in other news, not alot happening right now to uplift my spirits or renew the manure that seems to relish settling in the crevices and potholes of my silly, weary, disullusioned soul. too bad ahab. the next white whale? there aint a'gonna be one for a long time. the bounce back is as of yet not materializing, and the person i pushed away for personal reasons seems to be enjoying his distance, so whuddya gonna do? all these cats gathered round the lazy susan of love, so to speak... and mostly i dont even think i got an invitation to the dinner party.

this is the big question right now though... from an outside perspective i may seem crazier than a mormon in a coca cola factory, but i think i might be on to something. until you get to a point in your life where you are capable and prepared to really bond with someone and share the most intimate and minute details of yourself and your life, whats the use of getting tangled up in these things that are doing nothing but causing us to stray from an emotionally stable path with a clear, direct trajectory? its it so wrong to cut myself off from something that i am so certain will only hurt me in the end? kind of like putting the puppy up for adoption before it has a chance to get run over by a school bus. and who wants to lose a puppy?

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i know enough, to know that i have said to much.
Current Mood: restlessand mostly crazy
Current Music: orbital